I'm Not A Thief, I'm A Treasure Hunter
by Chiiharu
Summary: Ah, the spoils of war! You own what you win, you take it by force, and there are no questions asked. Incidental benefits reaped by a winner, especially political patronage enjoyed by a successful party or candidate.


**A/N:** See Addy? How fast was that? XD;;

Anyway, hi, guys. This is just another 5k wasted on the little oneshot spin-off thing I've got going here. Which means if you're just being stalky-this is another story that branches off of a BIGER one. XD;;

And I don't feel safe. This is one of the most cracky things... XD;;; But I wanted to write it! See, I was playing Final Fantasy XIII, and at the end of battles they show you your "spoils of war". So I had that bouncing in my head. XD;; And I thought it was sexy for all the wrong reasons. And I knew I had to write something.

And then I had this pairing stuck in my head for a while, but it's just so cracky. And I knew I couldn't make anything about of it... Other than just being sexy for no reason. XD;; So here you guys are!

Mostly, I'm pretty sure I rated this M because of Kohana's... Way of affection and her innuendos. XD;;

Oh! Also! A little sidenote: Final Fantasy VI. XD;; The title. Does anyone remember it? *shot*

* * *

**-: I'm Not A Thief I'm A Treasure Hunter :-**

_The skin around your mouth_  
_The touch of your lips don't mean as much to me as this_  
_I've never felt so alive until I figured you out_

_Your words are infectious_  
_Your eyes leave me breathless_  
_I think it's safe to say you're deadly in your own way_  
_I've never felt so alive until I figured you out_

— A Skylit Drive — "I'm Not A Thief, I'm A Treasure Hunter"

He's asleep, quite frankly because the work of a king drains him.

With his head buried into his many pillows, he becomes lost in his own reverie of the perfect kingdom. And in that perfect kingdom he'll be the only one to rule soon. No wife to tie him down. No daughter to babysit. No less-than-inferior Extraterrestrials to keep him from obtaining his goal. At night, the king lives, taking charge like he could never fathom doing in the real world. Yes, dreaming is his holy escape. His _only _escape, and he doesn't think he'll be sharing that luxury with anyone else anytime soon.

As she peers down at him, she admires his golden, impossibly straight hair and how sprawled out it is. It reminds her of the stars—and that reminds her of how his eyes glow the same way the stars do. Which reminds her that she needs to make this quick. But it was _Kohana_, of all people. She doesn't rush things. She has all the time in the world. She smiles, admiring how his hair appears to have no curve at all. Of course—when he doesn't have it in a dull ponytail—it falls to his upper-back. She appreciates the natural shine his hair has, and that, she knows, is because of how the light reflects off a flat surface better than a curved one.

But his golden hair isn't thin or fine-textured. It is just right. She clasps her hands together, and when she puts them back at her sides she brushes her right hand against her sword's sheath. She remembers that when he stands up with his hair down it falls around his face, like water. So calm and collected his hair is... It won't hurt if she touches it just once. One can say Kohana is a tidbit _jealous_ of his hair... Killing him now would spoil how gorgeous his hair is, wouldn't it? She walks closer to him, sitting on the edge of the bed.

She's not going to touch it just yet.

However, sitting this close to him grants her a whiff of his hair, the scent of vanilla and musk threatening to strangle her nose. The smell is unexpected—something she would have never expected his hair to smell like. So he uses scented shampoo? In all actually, this is too amusing for her. She can't kill him now. Not when he takes care of his hair so well. Just it smelling like something a woman would wash her hair with makes her smile. So this is the man she swore to kill? Or maybe he was using Aysel's shampoo. She snickers. Quite the possibility, but even Aysel doesn't have hair as perfect as his.

She doesn't want to get started on his ends—which were naturally colored lavender. Now that part she doesn't hesitate on touching. It's almost unreal how perfect his hair is. She loves everything about it but she won't let something so silly get in her way of ending his life. She owes him death from years back. Not praise. Not a congratulations for keeping up his hair. But his scent nearly _intoxicates_ her. It's so mysterious... She lightly grabs the ends of his hair with her dainty fingers, noting how it feels like feathers in between her fingers.

She pokes his nose.

Silence.

She pokes his nose again.

Silence.

She scratches the back of her head, frowning. Pouting, she thinks of the most effective way she can get him to wake up. "Aha!" She puts an index-finger in the air, smiling impishly. She sits on top of him, preparing her hands for the danger she is about to unleash. With her fingers in position she launches her game plan, grabbing his nipples as hard as she can. She starts to twist them in every direction she can think of. And of course he reacts to the sudden jolt of pain, awoken from his sweet reverie, squinting his golden-eyes because it's too dark to see.

"_Hah_—taike!" he gripes through clenched teeth, putting his hands on her wrists. He attempts to pull her away from him but that only causes him more pain. She smiles at his reaction, her emerald eyes glinting with excitement. "Let go of me Outtaike!"

"Not unless you tell me what I was dreaming of before I came here~" she sings, her grip getting tighter. He recoils, but to no avail. How should he know? While she was sleeping, he was probably sleeping his own self! She knows he could never know—but only asked him that question out of pure spite. "See, I dreamed that I got purple nurpled by this really angry hippo and I was planning to get back at it but then I realized that hippos had like sixteen-nipples so I didn't know what to do. And then I spent like two hours beating up on the hippo." Is she_ serious?_ He narrows his eyes at her.

And in response to his menacing look she twists them even more. "And then after that I guess—"

"Argh! Stop that Outtaike!"

Her smile grows. "—I—"

"I will have someone rip your arms away from your body!"

"—Started to wonder why men even had nipples, so I came here!" She lets go of him, triumphant, putting her hands on her waist. He continues to glare at her—though keeping his cool—because Kohana isn't the safest person to be around. In fact, she's tried to kill him on more than one occasion, so maybe this was her attempt of ending his life again. He starts to get up but realizes that she's sitting right on top of his stomach, smirking at him without those evil, green glowing eyes of hers.

And even though she has him right where she wants him to be... Why is she here in the first place? She knows it has something to do with how strong he's gotten over the years... Or attacking Sayuri even... But she can't even remember _why_ she hates him so much. She doesn't need a reason, however. She just does. Nevertheless, there is that cold feeling that runs up her spine every now-and-again... One that she can't shake herself of. It always comes back whenever she fights him, of all people. But why would she waste her time on him?

Extraterrestrial he is—and she isn't too keen on befriending the likes of _him._

But now she is just enjoying herself. This... In a whole... Is just enjoyment. Yes. The look on his face and the purple around his nipples is just _enjoyment. _But neither one of them is stupid. She jumps off him, frowning at the sudden feeling of regret. But when she turns back around to see him, her posture changes... Superiority radiating off her. Her trademark smirk places itself on her lips as she breathes in his air arrogantly, as if he's hers. Slowly, she moves her right hand towards the hilt of her sword.

But he's ready for her. He might not look it now, but he is. He stands as he pulls his robe sleeves up. Her gaze fixes on him and him only. And for a while they just look at each other—glued in the same spots. Okay, why isn't she moving? This troubles the king greatly. Normally an opponent of his would fight to the death. What is her deal? This isn't the first time she's done something like this either. Kohana would come out of the shadows and do the same thing too, but during the day.

This is too crazy, even for him, admittedly. He'd never burst through someone's room, wake them up with a purple nurple and stand there like an idiot. If she wanted to kill him, how come she didn't do it while he was asleep? The whole affair puzzled him. This is disappointing. He was expecting a fight all those times. But she left every time. It was almost as if... Almost as if...

"...I'm stalking you?" Kohana finishes with a quirky tilt of her head. He flinches, only slightly. He has learned to be calm and collected even when he feels as if he's not. But she is right. And because she's stalking him this worries him greatly. She's so strong that anyone he sends to handle her would probably die in less than a millisecond. And he can't fight her! No, not when he has a whole country to recreate.

He can't figure her out! Why does she persist on standing there... Staring at him? She's most definitely not living up to her name at all. He knows she's crazy, yes, but... This is just insane now. Is she going to fight him? Is she just going to leave like all of those other times? He needs his sleep, dammit. It isn't easy being him. He looks around his room, wondering about any traps that she may have set. He can't sense anything, anyway... "Outtaike, if you are not going to do anything productive, I suggest you leave," he hisses, the last traces of sleep falling away from his voice.

He blinks and Kohana's standing right in front of him. He doesn't even flinch. "Aww, lighten up! It's only three in the morning you sissy~." _Only_ three in the morning? He was fine up until she told him that information. Now the bags under his eyes are _heavier._ She presses her hand against his chest, flashing her fangs through a mischievous smile.

"Get out, Outtaike," he growls. "I have chosen to respect royalty, but if you cannot abide by my personal space I will have you thrown out."

"What are you talking about?" she says with her eyes closed. "All of this belongs to me now."

"I fail to see why that is, Outtaike."

"You'll see." She grins. He sighs in exasperation.

"Are you ever going to try and fight me?"

"Y'know, it must be pretty dangerous letting a woman stay in your castle when you know she's hell bent on killing you Sai-Sai~." Now he flinches. Damn that nickname! It's ridiculous! His face flushes and she chuckles under her breath. "Oh, how cute!" This woman is a queen in some other galaxy? Surely she understood the responsibilities that came with leading a kingdom to greatness! He looks at her again. Nope. No way she could. His cheeks continued to flare with rage, and her smile indicated that she was taking it all the wrong way.

"No I'm not going to fight you Sai-Sai," she says, poking him. He is almost tempted to start a battle right here. He has been putting up with her for a couple of months. But waking him up out of his sleep is a step too far. He obtains his saber, unsheathing it in front of her. But that is just a ploy to test her—to see if she is really going to attempt to kill him. She doesn't unsheathe her katana... She just smirks at him. "Aww, so you need your little toy to protect you from me now? You didn't need that earlier, Sai-Sai!" She _had_ to say something. He isn't moving towards her. But then again she's not afraid of him in the slightest.

Afraid of him? She's met eleven-year-old kids with more guts.

She stands up straight. "Do you fear me, Saivan?" That is the first serious question he's heard from her all day. But still, even that confuses him. Does he fear her? She laughs at the way his face scrunches up. It's a laughter full of taunting... Full of hate and despair destined for this man and no one else. And she looks into his eyes the whole time. Unfortunately, he catches another glimpse of her unsightly sharp teeth.

"It is fortunate that you are not going to make a dire mistake," he says, closing his eyes. He sheathes his sword. "Now get out Outtaike."

"Oh no, _I'm going to fight you right now,"_ she says in a low voice, amusement dancing on her lips. She's so close to him that he can feel the heat radiating off her. Her breath cradles his cheek and he twitches. Abruptly she steps back, twirling her arms in the air. "If you want me to I'll beat you until your fingers fall off when I kidnap you—eh—err—take you to Royaume Rêveur. See, I was planning to do that a long time ago but first—"

He hisses. This is ridiculous. In a mere millisecond he's standing in the threshold of his room, causing Kohana to almost fall over. She regains her composure, smirking at him with her hands on her waist. "And so the king runs..." she chuckles to herself.

"I will talk to you when you get a brain, Outtaike," he hisses, walking out of the room. He can't believe he let her get him that angry. She proceeds to laugh and it's loud enough to the point where he can hear her through the wall of his spare room. He grunts and tries to close his eyes. This is all just a bad dream. A really bad dream.

He thinks his bad dream has ended with the right amount of sleep. Oh how he is wrong. When he woke up he half expected to see the sun smiling at him. It is _amazing _how he made it through that night alive.

He thought he was going to go insane.

His golden-eyes are glued to the ceiling. He has a lot to think about. Maybe it is about time he kicked that Outtaike woman out of his castle. He always thought it was respectable to show politeness to another of nobility, but this was not the case. Not with her.

He sits up and stretches, glad to be rid of that woman. He puts his hands back down and to his horror... Whatever he touched was _really _fleshly. He almost didn't want to look but there that woman was again—right next to him and he had just touched her _stomach_. "Outtaike!" he yells. She opens one of her eyes, sitting up and stretching. "Outtaike. What are you doing in my bed?" he demands. She rubs her eyes, yawning.

"Good morning~" she sings, kissing him on his cheek. He flinches. "I'm gonna go wash my face..." She stands up and shakes her fingers. Water shoots out from the tips of her fingers and she rubs her face with her hands again. After she is done she smirks. "Oh. Your question. What does it look like I'm doing? I'm seducing you, of course." That is _not _the answer he had expected. In fact, that was the complete opposite. But he couldn't lie to himself. Even with those baggy pj's on, Kohana was a very beautiful woman.

Now if only she was sane.

This is grounds to silently kill her right where she is standing, and he knows his antagonist cred was pretty much dying, but he doesn't feel right attacking her. After a period of silence he stands up. "No, Outtaike, this looks more like you were sleeping in my bed. How... How did you end up here?"

"Bingo," she answers back with a wink. "Don't ask don't tell my king~"

"I just asked." His expression is deadpanned, his arms folded.

"Exactly. And I'm not going to tell you!" He sighs again. Fine. She doesn't have to tell him. His lower-eye keeps twitching.

"_Outtaike. Get out."_

She smiles. This is obviously way too much fun for her. His facial expressions only entice her further. "Aww! Why not call me Kohana like all the others like yourself? You know, other people! You're the only one I know that calls me by my last name!" She pokes his nose again and he's just about had it. She is too strong mentally. How long can she keep up this game? She must have been tired. She _must_ have. Before the day is over she wants to show him her forever burning love for him, though! So he can't run away again. At least not yet.

"I give up," he says sighing. "You are something else, Outtaike. I cannot seem to figure out what is wrong with you..."

She brushs some of her purple hair out of her eyes. "And so is your haaa~ir." His... hair? Now he is really confused. He touches some of it before he looks back at her. "Stop lying to yourself, Sai-Sai! It's only a matter of time before you find out the truth around here anyway." Now she is being fairly serious again. This is a rare occurrence. "There's nothing wrong with me Sai-Sai. I've told you already. I want to bring you back to my world." That is... Most possibly... The calmest thing she had said to him. Ever. And the thing that makes it creepy is that it should have not been the calmest thing she has ever said to him. It was_ insane_. Saivan shook his head.

"I fail to see why bringing me to your world would do you any good, Outtaike. If you are going to fight me, why not do it here?"

"That's the problem..." She scratches her head. "See, I don't want to fight you at all..." She walks around him, throwing her arms out casually. "But you keep going on and on about fighting... Which makes me think that you really want to fight me, and that would be bad for you because I'd probably end up killing you Sai-Sai~." He stands up straight, his hands behind his back. "Besides, not many people want to fight their liberator. They'd be glad to fight me! I set them free!"

Saivan's whole body twitches. He isn't dense. He can tell where this is going from the leer on her face.

"_Out!"_ he says once more. She grins, walking towards him. She even manages to back him up against the wall. That's an understatement; she presses him up _against_ the wall. He thought he had seen everything today. First she was in his dreams... Now she was threatening to kill him... And at this very moment she is pushing him up against a wall. Is he supposed to get angry? Surprised? Encourage her? Certainly not that. But still he shivers. "Clearly your judgment has left you a long time ago."

"How right you are," she cooes. She presses against him harder. "I don't want to fight you, I want to make you mine~."

Cue big-ass explosion.

Kohana steps out of the way. Did he just blow a hole through his own _castle? _"Gusty..." She blinks, admiring his handy-work. She puts her hand on her chin and looks the destruction. "Very nice..." He twitches again.

"I suggest you leave."

She swiftly turns around, cupping his cheek with her hand. "Aww, but you don't want that Saivan..." He pauses. She just threw him off. Big time. "This world isn't fit for you! You could do so much better." Okay, so he is well-aware that he could do better. He has often dreamed of such a thing. This world is too naive for him to lead. He doesn't want to baby it all his life. But still. Her fangs graze his cheek. "You don't understand Sai-Sai," she says, her breath once again trying to make his decisions for him. "I'm the Queen of Everything, Sai-Sai. It's so boring. If you come with me you'll give me a challenge."

He brushes her hand away. "Why do you persist on pestering me Outtaike?" In response she slaps both of her hands against her face, making her eyes cross.

"'Why do you persist on pestering me Outtaike?'" she mocks. After that she straightens her face out. "Because it's fun." She stops, holding both of his shoulders and leaning into him. "Just come with me."

This time he isn't going to fuel her fire. He turns around and walks out of the room. And yet her laughter... Her _creepy_ laughter... She is laughing right now! And he can't shake it out of his head. He refuses to answer the voices in his head that tell him he actually wants her near him. He just closes his eyes and sits down at his desk.

For several hours she doesn't bother him. He is starting to think he has actually gotten rid of her. Until he looks over his shoulder. There she is again, hands on the back of his chair, looking at his work. He jumps, surprised at her actions. "Outtaike can you leave me be?" he exclaims, tapping his feather-pen on his desk. She smirks, turning his swivel chair around and sitting in his lap. She put her hands around his neck, laying her head against his shoulder. "...What am I going to do with you? How am I going to rid myself of you?" he says, sighing.

"You're not!" she chimes. "Because you don't want to do that Sai-Sai." She is sure and determined with her answer, smirking to boost her confidence. And she is right, much to his horror. But he knows she still wants to kill him! Why is she acting like this? Maybe he isn't asserting his position enough? He is still king here, and she is still in _his_ care. He grabs Kohana's arm, swinging her across the room. She doesn't jump or twitch, and instead of hearing some sort of thud, she appears right in front of him again. It is enough to startle him out of his chair.

"You can't kill me!" she cackles. "And you won't!" She grabs both of his wrists, noticing the red tint crawling across his face. And his arms, it looked like! Even better. She smirks, making sure he doesn't get away from her. "You could have killed me..." she says in a mocking tone. "But you didn't, ha! You didn't, and there's no way I'm letting you now." Before she lets him utter any objections she kisses him, and she forces herself against him. She has to give it to him... He is smart, but not that smart. He's denying her of any access towards his mouth, but all of that changes when she grabbed his backside, making him twitch and drop his guard.

He has granted her full access and she can't be any happier. After struggling to get her away from him he steps back, panting. This time he isn't going to stall. He has his sabre in his left hand, looking for her. But she has already disappeared. He sighs again, sitting back in his chair. That is it. That is the last straw. He isn't going to be groped in his own castle.

Now he has to go find that woman. "How troublesome," he utters, getting up. If anyone found out what she had just done to him, that would be the end of his career. He'd be the fool of fools. It is embarrassing and she has been doing it on purpose! For a while he walks around the castle and finds no trace of her. She isn't even outside in the garden, doing God knows what with the flowers. That's when he stops, frowning. He looks at the grass and then at the sky. "Outtaike. I know you are here," he says.

Low-and-behold Kohana turns up out of thin air, fixing the flowers in her purple-hair. "You called~?" In her other hand resides a jelly-filled doughnut.

"Yes I did," he answers back. "You can fight me now." He gets into his stance and she blinks at him. Really? So upfront? Where is his tact? Casually she unsheathes her sword, finishing the last of the doughnut she had in her hand. She licks the jelly off her fingers, and after that she starts to smirk. She puts her hands out, blinking as she smirks. She lets out a chilling laughter.

"You don't want to fight me..." she says with one hand on the nearest tree. She leans against it as if he isn't a threat. That makes his blood boil.

"I will fight you without fail," he replies, growling. She of all people should have attacked him already. This kind of waiting is what weighed on her nerves after all. Why isn't she moving? She loved fighting, so this too confused him greatly. Still, no one can ever push him over the edge like she can. Like she has control over his emotions... With just her wicked smile.

"No, I have something else in mind," she purrs, which makes him stand up straight and really, truly, _genuinely_ take a look at her.

"That response of yours is really disconcerting, Outtaike."

"What! I mean it!" she laughs.

"Your sanity has left you."

"Stop your angsting old man. You want me."

He shakes his head. "You are at the point of no return. You have completely lost yourself."

"You know me best," she says. He doesn't even see her move. At best he should have heard the grass crumble from under her boots. But somehow, miraculously, she ends up pinning him. _To a tree._ And he can't believe she moved that fast. She was just a couple of yards away from him. She proceeds to bite his lower lip, sucking on it to the point of bruising. And because she does that, he lets himself me claimed and she travels the inside of his mouth with her tongue—making sure to roam over ever contour in it. It's hers now. Everything about him is _hers._

And she was making him dizzy. "Don't tell me you have fallen in lo—"

"This isn't love. I didn't say anything about love..." she mutters, her eyelashes closing against his own. "I told you. I want to make you mine." His whole body jumps at the touch of her lips against his. So this is all she wanted? This is what it took to get her away from him? She runs her fingers through his hair, chuckling against his lips because his body kept shaking.

She smiles impishly. "You thought I actually loved you~?" It sounds like a real question. He isn't going to let her make a fool out of him again.

"Of course not!"

"That's right, Saivan. Because I will never love you and I don't plan to anytime soon." She paused, nipping at his neck. "You like this."

"Shut up you child."

Time stops all around them as she steps back, enraged. Child? Her? Did he just call her a _child? _"How dare you call me a child!" He tilts his head. Yes, she really does confuse him.

"Why are you acting so defensive over this?"

She folds her arms. "Sometimes you piss me off, I guess."

"From what?"

"From doing what you're doing right now! And don't tell me to shut up! You're not going to talk to me like that Saivan! Lest you forget that I'll tear you apart and send the pieces of your body to deep space!"

"And I am not going to tolerate you talking to me like that either," he replies back, as red as a tomato. She hisses, clutching her fists.

"I have a kid of my own!"

"I have two."

"You _had_ two," Kohana retorts. "And what the hell are you doing anyway? Aren't you still... I dunno? Married?" She says that with heavy malice applied to it. She grins mischievously, knowing full-well that she forced him into doing this, not the other way around. But even still, he had so many opportunities to get her to stop. He smirks at her.

"Are you not married too, Outtaike?"

"It's none of your business!" she yells back. She points an index finger at him. "Here's what it comes down to, Saivan. This world is mine. I own all of this. And you? You're my "spoil of war"." He finds this so hard to believe because it doesn't make any remote sense whatsoever. "Oh, you think I'm lying? What did you think I was doing here for the past couple of weeks? Taking down your kingdom. I own you, this castle, all of this. And you'll find that your servants are all dead too. Take your pick. Either way you put it you're screwed. And you belong to me." Her grin gets wider.

Actually, he had been wondering why no one had laughed at him yet.

"I still refuse to believe you Outtaike. You thief. You go around stealing from others often?" All he could do was put up a nice effective poker face. That was until she tripped him on the ground, falling purposely with him. With him on top of her she smiles, grabbing his hair and pulling him down for another savage kiss.

"You're a sloppy kisser," she says, chuckling. "And I'm not thief. I'm a treasure hunter."


End file.
